I am feeling strangely nostalgic today. I’m not sure why exactly; it could be something I ate, an Oasis song on the radio or just a combination of a few small things. I really do not like feeling nostalgic, because even though the memories are fond, I always look back at them with a longing that maybe isn’t entirely healthy. Maybe that’s one of the cons of having a relatively good life, when you look back things are sometimes better, or just different in a way that makes me wish for times to be that simple or carefree or interesting. Not to say that things right now aren’t great, they just aren’t the way they were before.
For example, grade 11 was a paramount year for me. I think I more or less reached the peek of friend/work/school balance. I went to France that year, I had a boyfriend or two (not at the same time) and things were stable and assured. It was a pleasant mixture of just enough drama and change. But this is me reflecting on it through the dilution of time. Probably at the time, it was less of those things, but I recall thinking even as I was going through it, that this was good.
Now as I’m preparing for my final semester ever, so much seems different, and I feel like some choices were made for me since I couldn’t bring myself to make a decision. Some of the people who were essential to my friends/work/school balance have either moved or quietly checked out. This is why nostalgia is bad. I have so much trouble looking at what is in front of me and being satisfied. Perhaps that is what makes me ambitious, or perhaps it is what will lead to some tragic Macbethian downfall. I surely hope not.
Either way in the quiet moments where my mind is left to wander however it pleases I find myself coming back to the friendships that were once stronger or the life plan that was clearer. It’s depressing. Mostly because even though I’m nostalgic I’m not sure I could have or would have chosen differently. The reason some decisions were made for me was that they were hard to make and I couldn’t decide. Other decisions I made that have shaped my present position were made to the best of my ability which means I couldn’t have done better.
So for me, nostalgia isn’t really regret or bitterness, it’s just unrest. And strangeness. And it is in these days where the nostalgia washes over me like wave after wave that I analyze myself and wonder how I even got where I am.
In the meantime, I try to keep my mind at bay.
2 comments:
I totally get what you mean Vanessa - I feel the same way. I rrrrrrrrreally miss some of my more care-free high school days. Or the I-dont-have-anyone-to-worry-about-but-myself days of YSA. But I just try to do what you're doing, which is to remind myself how great things are now and I wouldn't have done any differently.
Amen. I do it all the time - think about back when which if fine except that I begin to get depressed about my current everything even though my current everything is great! Its just so sad to think that those memories or times in your life that have past are over. I keep trying to remind myself that years from this point I will be reminicing about right now.
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