Being an Instant Oatmeal Mom

So I've mentioned before that I like to wear my baby and that we're not doing Cry It Out and that I nurse my baby. These are some of the decisions that I've made on how I want to parent the wee Bean. We also use disposable diapers and didn't co-sleep. I'm also definitely going to let her eat bread and probably McDonalds.

I've described myself as an Instant Oatmeal mom. Granola-ish. Mostly I make the decisions because I'm too weak/tired/lazy to carry my baby in my arms or make lots of bottles or listen to her cry. And I try my best to adapt my preferences to the Bean's temperament. There is a lot of discovery and negotiating and I fully anticipate that my position will change either for future babies or within the Bean's own life.

The tricky thing of doing a little of this and a little of that means that it's hard to find matches with other moms. I think I've found some but recently I've had to withdraw from a few situations/groups because I just felt so so uncomfortable. And so I describe them through my biased perspective below. (It's a bit ranty but this is my blog...)

Situation 1) At Le Leche, which was such an awesome support during the first 20 or so weeks, things seem to be getting out of hand. I'm all for letting parents parent their children however they like (and maybe judging them to myself but really not interfering), but when their parenting or lack of means that my little one is getting hurt/taken advantage of, that bothers me. The Bean is only 5 months, she doesn't walk or talk, or roll, for that matter. So when other kids steal her toys or kick her in the head because they're running around (especially after being politely told to be careful) it really makes me mad and defensive. I'm not mad at the kids really, because kids are little ids until their parents demonstrate some ego & superego. So I'm mad at the parents for not watching their kids or intervening when their kids are making babies cry (these kids are 2-4 years old). The real bummer is that if I pulled the child aside and said "you need to be careful around the babies, you kicked Ellie and it made her cry" the little 4 year old would probably cry and then her mom would be all defensive mom on me. That's the hard part about being around super attachment parenting moms - I have no idea how they would feel about me disciplining their child. I don't know enough about their ideology to know what kind of method they would use (and didn't see any demonstrated either). So while it's super passive of me, I'd rather just not go for a few weeks until I either get my courage up to defend my baby more assertively or she's big enough that she can't be pushed around. The part that really makes me sad, though, is that I really appreciated the support of the moms at the beginning of being a mom and I'd like to pay it forward. I'd like to share my experiences and reassure moms, but I'm just not always sure how to balance my Instant Oatmeal needs, protect my child and enjoy myself.

Situation 2) I am a big supporter of nursing babies. It's cheap, it's healthy, it's sanitary and it's readily available. So I would never feel uncomfortable seeing a mom nurse their baby. I'm even really comfortable with moms nursing their babies uncovered in a nursing room/mother's lounge. I've even become more comfortable seeing mom's nurse their babies uncovered outside of nursing rooms, it's not my style, but I can totally understand why mom's do it. And frankly I admire their commitment to making sure their baby is nourished, no matter the circumstances. Absolutely feed your baby however you want (that's healthy) and whenever you want. But one thing does make me super uncomfortable and that's pumping in public. I know what it's like to need to pump, just this last weekend I was at a wedding and after 7 hours things were a bit full, but it wasn't so urgent that I couldn't find a quiet place to pump that milk. I'm not even embarrassed that I had to pump milk. It makes sense that I would. But when I see a mom just walking around talking to other moms and children as she casually hand pumps a bottle, I'm super uncomfortable. There was no baby screaming for milk, there was several quiet options available and no extenuating circumstances that, in my opinion, made this behaviour necessary. After all, breast milk is a bodily fluid and breasts are typically covered (though I supposed that's debatable). I think she should feel comfortable with her body and I don't think she should be subjected to harassment but I do think that our society benefits from a certain level of modesty and decency. I'm also ok that if this stance makes me a bit prudish. Mostly, I am comfortable if boobs are out to feed babies, I am not comfortable if they are out for any other reason. And if you can't physically nurse your baby you're not being punished for being required to keep you breasts covered in public. So while this was happening, I felt awkward, uncomfortable and exposed. I wondered where the line was for indecent exposure and feeding a baby. I felt very aware of the instant aspect of my oatmeal self. I knew I didn't want to be in the situation again, because I'm not sure I would want my baby seeing that behaviour normalized (I know she's too little now, but I'm all about setting a pattern and a precedent).

So I guess my concern is: when is my discomfort as important as someone else's comfort. Do I have a right to speak up when I'm uncomfortable? Or is my right to just choose not to attend? I hate to not participate but realistically there are also so many things to do that opting out of a few of them isn't the end of the world. But I'd also like to think that people benefit from my presence as much as I benefit from theirs, and people aside, I do like the meetings.

Mostly, the hardest thing about being an Instant Oatmeal mom is that I'm so very aware of the more granola-y options I didn't choose and while I like to associate with all different types, I don't want to be so open minded that it gets too drafty. I guess that's the trick of negotiating any identity.

So I'm not sure what I'll do. My adult self tells me that the mature thing would be to quietly and politely address my concerns with the offending individuals using my best alternative dispute resolution techniques. But that requires patience and understanding and most of mine is used up on the Bean's several night feedings. I guess if I want to feel comfortable, I'll have to do something.