Well it's been nearly 3 months of being a mom of two (I guess more accurately 2.5 months - I shouldn't hurry time along). It's been really interesting.
First, I had baby blues for about 2-3 days after Sloan was born. I was anxious, I was emotional, I didn't feel like myself. I really didn't feel like I knew what I was doing. I called Healthlink with questions about 4 times in those 3 days because I just didn't feel sure. I was so glad to have a nurse to call and check in with, even just for peace of mind (which was all it was since nothing was seriously wrong each time). I don't remember blues with Ellie but I think the whole thing was foreign last time.
Then I had 2 weeks of the most amazing joy of being a mom. I've always loved being a mom and it's been an excellent aspect of my identity since I was pregnant with Ellie, but with her I was coming to terms with our new life and motherhood as well as falling in love with our little lady. With Sloan, I am already a mom so I didn't have to adjust to that. I could just fall in love with him. There was so much lightness and I felt like my body was recovering pretty well too!
Then Post-Partum Depression hit like a prairie thunderstorm. I had it with Ellie but it didn't really gel into my new reality until about 4 months after she was born (maybe I had it earlier, but I didn't really know what I was looking at either). This time it was dark and it got dark fast. I was angry, uninterested and bitter. And sad. I realized that nothing had changed with everyone else, but I had changed. All the joy of the previous few weeks was gone. I believe that I was actually seeing the situation accurately because life with a newborn is not easy, but the healthy optimism a healthy person has was completely absent. Thankfully the nurse who did the home visit when we brought Sloan home had suggested that I make an appointment with my doctor just in case I needed it. Thank goodness! So I just needed to make it to my appointment. It was a long week. I got amazing support from my mom and mother in law - both of them spent time with me making sure I got enough sleep and helping me take care of Sloan, really going above and beyond. I really didn't trust myself during this time - I didn't think I would ever do anything but I didn't trust myself not to, I was happy to have a lot of supervision. It made all the difference. Then I had my appointment with my doctor - we already knew medication worked wonders last time, and 2 days later I was beginning to feel lightness again. I am so grateful for modern medicine and supports that let me be the kind of mom I want to be and not a victim of some malfunctioning biology.
I'm not sure how long I'll be on this medication this time, but honestly, I'm literally happy to be on it as long as it takes. I feel like the real me.
Something else that is making me feel like the real me, I actually feel like exercising this time around. After Ellie, I got "mom strong" (losing weight through nursing and getting strong arms and shoulder from lugging a baby/baby seat/diaper bag around), but I didn't really do anything to keep up my cardio or general health. This time I am doing a little work out every day to get my heart rate up and then I've joined a boot camp in the neighbourhood on Wednesdays. The working out really makes me feel alive and appreciate all the wonderful things my body can do. I'm ok if I never look like my 20 year old self (if a few extra curves is the price to pay for being wiser, I'll take it), but I hope that this will help me feel comfortable in my skin and able to keep up with my little ones.
After Ellie, I knew our family wasn't complete but I really had no firm ideas about what I wanted. Now I have really realized that I love being a mom and that I want more kids to join our family. Sure it's harder with 2 but it is also more fun - entertaining a newborn is kind of boring and a 2 year old is really keeping me on my toes. And when Ellie is being her 2 year old self and I can't really take any more negotiations, it's nice to have peaceful Sloan to hold. I really think I could do this mom think more completely. I love Human Resources and I love the work I do, so I want to have that be a part of my future too, but it's nice to know that motherhood is a label that I can wear more comfortably. Maybe it's the medication, but I am kind of at peace with not having to decide what the future looks like for the next 10 months (though I'll probably get on that in the next 6).
Well that's where I'm at (since babies are neat but this is my blog too!), and now Sloan's awake and I only have 2 more weeks of Ellie in part time daycare - so motherhood calls.
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