For me I think it comes down to two things I have trouble escaping. 1) I perpetually compare myself to others/other versions of myself 2) I am a perfectionist.
Finding meaning is something I think about regularly and often just when I think that I've made progress to finding my own meaning I find that I'm unsatisfied. In particular I look at how much time I have and all the things I want to do, there doesn't seem to be enough for it all. And then I look over at the Jones and I want to try those things too. There is so much to do and know and explore.
For example I look at the fact that I am eternally married to the love of my life. I wouldn't undo that decision any day of the week. But then I look at going to a yoga retreat in Bali and wonder how I could be away from him for 2 months.
Or I feel like I'm getting a handle on my work and my career progression and then I read a friend's blog and see how he is purposefully making an effort to change the world or at least improve economic development and/or stimulate forward thinking.
And then I see people who perhaps don't have a degree, a house, a family, a small business or any of those things but they are so content, genuine and happy. And I wonder (somewhat arrogantly I suppose), don't they want more?
It's not that I think I'm doing it wrong, it's that I want to be sure that I'm making the right-est choices (that whole perfectionist thing).
So I wonder, how does someone do all the things they want to, become satisfied with what they have and feel happy and good at the same time? It baffles me.
I think that this whole quest to find meaning is why I am increasingly unsatisfied with my work life. I love my job. I think the work that I do is valuable. But I catch myself thinking that when I'm at work, there could be other things I'd like to do. If I wasn't at work I could read the books I want, sign up for the classes I want and finish all those projects. But then shouldn't I just be grateful that I have a job. And I am, but, but but...
So instead I've become very organized in my time management. I try and do one thing each day that is important to me. Not necessarily fun but is connect to some goal that I have. Monday: Piano, Tuesday: HR Studying, Wednesday: Scouts, Thursday: Yoga, Friday: Friends, Saturday: Cleaning, Sunday: Church/Piano. Not very spontaneous I know, however, it makes me feel like I at least have some control over my meaning and I don't just end up facebooking and watching Jenna Marbles videos all night. But that's only 7 things a week!
And then there's the issue of money. So many things that I want to do have a cost attached (that yoga retreat in Bali!) and so many of the things I must do on cost money (the always expensive car repairs). To do all the things I want whenever I want would be an endless expense--no wonder people buy lottery tickets.
Perhaps I just didn't grasp the concept of If you Give a Mouse a Cookie
I just thought that the moral was to not even start giving mice baked goods. But I want the baked goods and the milk and the next thing and the next. Sometimes it might be easier to be a mouse:
(inner monologue) Not hungry, fur not matted, made a million babies, not eaten by a hawk. Today was a good day
Instead that's not me. I'm a striver. And despite 10ish years of yoga practise I still find it difficult to be present-focused. I'm looking forward to the next thing, the new thing, the neat thing. And I find it all entirely overwhelming and unsatisfying.
So I know that I need to look to the moment without judgement and take each day one at a time, starting each day fresh; to be grateful for all that I already have. But I can't help that it's a bit naive too--the idea of not striving. And perhaps that would be unsatisfying too.
So I ask the blogosphere: How do you find meaning in your life? How do you know how to define yourself?
*feel free to leave a comment if you do have an insight, otherwise it can be rhetorical.
Oh and because David says that people like blogs with pictures:
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