On Being a Mother

After almost a year of mat leave, this has been the most different year of my life to date (not really a surprise). As I think about the year that we were trying to conceive, I so so badly wanted a baby and I was thinking back about why I wanted a baby (please know that I have no negative feelings to Ellie, I was just curious if I could remember those instinctual urges).  I knew that I wanted to be a mother and that I wanted to see what it was to be someone’s whole world, I knew it was part of Heavenly Father’s plan for me. But it has been so much different than I thought it would be. I have learned so much more about myself and I think I’ve better come to understand the responsibility for raising a little one. I think I always knew of the blessings and the love and the joy but the responsibility is what has made it more of a challenge. I honestly don’t think I gave stay at home moms enough credit before – I was surrounded by them: my mom, my mother-in-law, my sisters in law. All of them are awesome moms, but I totally figured that I could do it and be as awesome as them (I’m not comparing, it was just all I knew). But being a mom is something that requires genuine skill. It’s a talent that some have to cultivate, some more than others. And I think that I am in the “more to cultivate” category. At work we joke that the learning curve is straight vertical and the same has been true for me as a mother. It requires more patience, stamina, knowledge, creativity, patience, persistence, energy and more patience, than I ever could have conceived before this. Bean Bug is my whole world, and I wonder if I could ever love another being as much as I love her. But loving someone that much and wanting so much for them (and not wanting to be a barrier in her getting everything she deserves) is so dang hard.

So in a way, I’m chickening out and going back to work. I say that totally in jest and completely comfortable with what I’m doing. I think in some ways, I am not enough for Ellie and so I’m going to outsource some of that for a few hours each day. I can definitely say that going back to work is playing to my strengths and obviously I am not quitting being a mother, but it will be nice to have some help for a bunch of hours each day. Ellie will also benefit from having different people to play with and new things to discover. My friend, Erin, will be watching her and I am so confident in her love for Ellie that I think it will be great for everyone involved.

Mostly there is just so much responsibility with raising a child. I want her to happy and smart and confident and I am worried that there are so many opportunities for her to become derailed. I know that however she turns out, either for good or bad, it won’t be all my fault, but it’s hard not to take such a personal role so…personally.

I love my little lady; I love what she’s shown me about myself. I’m terrified of having a second, third or fourth child because Ellie is so wonderfully perfect. I love her with my whole heart and I suppose I doubt my ability to grow my own love. But I’m trying to think back about why it was so important to us to have this little Bean in our life and I know that Heavenly Father’s plan for our family involves a little more than 3. So I have faith, and I trust, since that’s what has gotten me this far, and hope that I will continue to evolve as a mother to be exactly the sort of person they need me to be. And even if I can’t be that person every day, I will love them with all my heart, and I’ll hope that it will be enough to make up the difference.